


you need me (there ain't no leaving me behind)

by rudelove



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Blood and Gore, Don't Try This At Home, Implied Sexual Content, KiHo Bingo, M/M, Mentions of Death, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 01:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudelove/pseuds/rudelove
Summary: Hoseok keeps patching Kihyun up.





	you need me (there ain't no leaving me behind)

**Author's Note:**

> **[written for the free square for kiho bingo]**
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> ao3 user kihos writing kiho? shocking!
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> jk but don't read this if blood makes you queasy tbh, cos there's quite a lot of it throughout the fic :/ the torture is mentioned and i don't think it's _that_ graphic, but it can still be difficult to read.  & tbh i'm no expert and all of my 'knowledge' about stitching people up comes from google, so. i apologize for any inaccuracies. don't try this at home, but like, for real. thank u__u
> 
> (pls let me know if you think there's something i should tag or warn about, cos i always manage to leave something out rip)

 

**Seoul - London, April 2016.**

 

 

Hoseok hates the joint missions the most, regardless of the agent he’s supposed to be working with. Even if it’s with the one he’s secretly been sleeping with for the past year or so.

When he receives the call from Changkyun, Hoseok just groans, says, “Fuck no, I’m not going,” and promptly hangs up.

Twelve missed calls — Changkyun is nothing if not persistent — two e-mails, and multiple failed attempts to get into his Netflix account later, Hoseok gives up, decides to finally call Changkyun back, even if it's for the sake of getting his damn password back.

“I said no,” Hoseok says the second Changkyun picks up. “Now please go bother someone else and let me watch my show in peace.”

“Dude, you know you have no choice,” Changkyun snorts. “I’m just following orders.”

Hoseok huffs indignantly, plopping down on the couch face-first. He lifts his head up from the cushions so he could speak, saying, “Tell them I’m dead or something, I don’t care.”

“You leave in two days,” Changkyun deadpans. “Oh, and you’ll be going with Kihyun. Have fun reconnecting with your _boyfriend_ ,” he says smugly before hanging up, leaving Hoseok to process the information on his own.

Whatever Hoseok was going to say in return dies on the tip of his tongue at the mere mention of Kihyun's name, his stomach doing an embarrassing little swoop. He sighs, slumping back down, wondering if it's too late for him to quit his job now.   

 

-

 

 

Despite Hoseok’s best efforts to talk his way out of the mission, two days later he is off to the airport, right on schedule.

They catch the flight to London together, sitting on opposite sides of first class in order to maintain their covers; Hoseok in the front and Kihyun in the back, putting enough distance between them so they wouldn’t happen to look at each other, not even by accident.

The rules the agency had given them are short and simple, the way they always are during joint missions: no talking or interacting with each other until both of them have safely reached the destinations they were given. As far as the rest of the world knows, agents 301 and 221 don’t exist. Instead, they are businessman Shin Hoseok and professional chef Yoo Kihyun, who simply happened to be at the same place at the same time.

The flight is long, and when it’s time for them to land, Hoseok pretends to be asleep, waiting for the stewardess to come and politely wake him up after the rest of the passengers have already left the plane. He takes the sleeping mask off and fakes a yawn, thanks her with his best charming smile before he leaves, making her cheeks turn the same shade of pink as the silk scarf tied around her neck.

They are staying in different places, as well: Kihyun in a safe house while Hoseok has to check into a five star hotel in the heart of the city that is famous for its discretion — all of the payments handled by the agency, of course.

He barely gets a chance to grab a shower and get settled in when his phone chimes on the bed, receiving an e-mail from Changkyun with the time and location of his meeting place with Kihyun, followed by Changkyun’s usual reminder to stay safe and not get killed. _Thanks, I'll do my best_ , Hoseok replies quickly, throwing the phone back on the bed as he leaves to get dressed.

 

 

-

 

 

The mission is simple, or at least, was supposed to be simple, nothing they haven’t done hundreds of times before. Go in, neutralize the target, go out, catch the first flight back home.

But it’s fast and messy, and by the time they are over and making their way to the safe house, both of them are worse for wear.

Hoseok’s old knee injury is starting to act up again and there’s a dull ache radiating from his elbow every time he moves his arm too much, but he can't really complain, given Kihyun's condition. The left side of his face is bloody, glistening from the city lights as they pass by the empty streets. Little specks of blood form constellations on his cheek, smudged from when Kihyun tried to wipe them off with his sleeve earlier. There are long, flaky patches of blood going from his hairline down to his neck, staining the collar of his jacket a dark red, and Hoseok’s hands itch in his lap with the urge to reach out and clean him up.

The drive back to the safe house is quiet, save for the music playing on the radio, and they are halfway there, stopping at a red light when Hoseok snaps, unable to hold his anger in any longer.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Hoseok demands, turning around so he could face Kihyun. “Why didn’t you use your gun?”

“He blindsided me,” Kihyun shrugs, saying it so casually like he’s talking about the fucking weather and not how he almost got killed only minutes ago. “Shit happens.”

Hoseok scoffs incredulously, rubbing a hand over his face in annoyance. “Shit happens, but it’s not supposed to happen to _us_!”

Kihyun doesn’t respond. He taps his fingers against the steering wheel along to the rhythm of the pop song playing, patiently waiting for the lights to change before he could leave like they have all of the time in the world.

“This isn’t the right time for you to be obeying the laws of traffic,” Hoseok says, “There is no one here. We can _go_.”

“I’m in no rush,” Kihyun says, voice infuriatingly calm.

“You are bleeding,” Hoseok argues, pointing at Kihyun’s head like he’s not aware of the injury. “And you shouldn’t be driving right now. Come on—” he stops, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the door, “Get out. We’re switching.”

“Get back here,” Kihyun scoffs, grabbing Hoseok by the wrist before he could get out of the car. “I’m _fine_ ,” He says, much harsher this time. “We’re almost there, anyway.”  

Hoseok grudgingly closes the door shut, sitting back in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face. “You could’ve died, you know.”

And it’s not a lie. Hoseok isn’t being dramatic or exaggerating just so he could prove a point. Somehow, during the struggle, Kihyun ended up losing his gun, got his head slammed against the wall multiple times before toppling down to the floor, unarmed and unmoving as their target stood over his body, pointing Kihyun's own gun at his head. If it wasn’t for Hoseok’s quick reflexes, Kihyun would’ve died.

“Nothing I haven’t been through before,” Kihyun hums, and he’s driving off now, a bit faster than he did before, navigating through the streets with surprising ease.

And that’s not a lie, either. It happened twice: the first time was fake, back when they didn’t know each other that well for Hoseok to be informed that the entire thing was staged for the sake of a mission. But the second time — the second time was for real, and Hoseok had to find out about it by accident from Changkyun’s minions while roaming the halls down at IT.

(“He was poisoned,” one of Changkyun's assistants had said to the other, voice hushed. “He was dead for a minute before they could bring him back. Can you believe that?”)

“Yeah, that’s why I’m so mad at you right now,” Hoseok grits his teeth so hard it hurts. The thought of something bad happening to Kihyun makes his stomach turn unpleasantly, makes it difficult for him to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun says quietly, glancing at Hoseok from the corner of his eye.

Hoseok chooses not to say anything to that. He turns his head around and keeps his eyes trained on the blur of houses and trees they pass by for the rest of the drive, trying his best to think of something — anything but what happened tonight.

 

 

-

 

 

The first thing they do after they make it to the safe house is take a shower.

It’s quiet. Hoseok is too upset to talk, but he still helps Kihyun take his clothes off and washes the blood off him, cleans up the wound once they’re done, Kihyun propped up on the broken washing machine as Hoseok works his magic.

The pain in his elbow is stronger now that the adrenaline has worn out, throbbing sharply whenever he moves, but that’s the least of his worries at the moment. He’s dealt with much worse before and he will deal with this, as well. Right now, his only priority is taking care of Kihyun. The rest can wait.

"Are you still mad at me?" Kihyun asks once the sound of the fluorescent lights buzzing over their heads becomes too loud, practically unbearable.

"No." Hoseok replies too fast and too harsh, lying through his teeth.

He is mad at Kihyun for not taking any of it seriously and for being so careless, a sloppy move given his impressive track record and work ethics; mad at himself for not being more careful and not asking Changkyun to do a more thorough background check on the guy because all of it seemed too easy to be true, right from the beginning.

They weren’t supposed to spend more than five minutes inside of the house before leaving and calling the clean up crew to take care of the rest. There was supposed to be no struggle, but the guy they ended up meeting with fought back hard for a boring thirty-something nobody. Hoseok is convinced the guy had some kind of military training, and he really wouldn't be surprised if the guy turned out to be a ghost, or an undercover agent of some sort.

Hoseok’s gut was telling him that something was off, but in the end he didn’t do anything about it for the sake of getting the entire thing over with as soon as possible, didn't want the entire process to drag on more than necessary.

“Really?” Kihyun spreads his legs wider and wraps both of them around Hoseok's waist, keeping Hoseok in his hold so he couldn't walk away if he tried to. "Then how come you’re still pouting?"

"I'm not pouting," Hoseok argues.

He tilts Kihyun’s head to the side so he could put the bandage over the wound, using more force than necessary that it makes Kihyun hiss in pain. It makes Hoseok feel bad, and he wants to apologize for it when Kihyun beats him to it.

"I'm sorry," He says for the second time tonight, looping his arms around Hoseok's shoulders. "I was taken off guard. I really expected this guy to go down easily."

Hoseok sighs, eyes downcast. "Just— You need to be more careful, especially when you’re working on your own.”

“Hey,” Kihyun says gently, tipping Hoseok’s chin with his fingers so he would look at him. He leans in for a kiss but stops before their lips could meet, leaving a few millimeters of space between them. “I’ll be okay. I promise I won’t let anything happen to me.”

He kisses Hoseok before he could respond, doesn’t stop kissing him as they make their way to the bedroom and stumble onto the bed messily, curled around each other the entire time.

“Everything will be alright. You’ll see,” Kihyun gasps, holding onto Hoseok tightly, moaning into his ear. “I promise.”

And Hoseok wishes, more than anything, that he could believe him.

 

 

**Seoul, September 2016.**

 

 

After the incident in London, Kihyun keeps dropping by Hoseok’s place whenever he’s in town.

It’s not out of the ordinary for Hoseok to open the front door to his apartment and find Kihyun already inside, more often than not bruised and beaten, asking for Hoseok to patch him up with an innocent tilt of his head and an exaggerated pout.

But it becomes more frequent, and over time Hoseok gets used to having Kihyun in his apartment, in his kitchen and in his bed, using his shampoo and his towels and stealing all of his favorite clothes.

Tonight, they are preparing dinner together in the kitchen, pressed side-by-side and hip-to-hip even though the place is too small and too hot for them to be standing this close. Kihyun is teaching Hoseok how to evenly chop the vegetables when his finger accidentally slips under the knife, and suddenly, there is blood everywhere, pooling in between his fingers and dripping down his hand and onto the cutting board.  

“Let me,” Hoseok takes Kihyun’s hand in his, guiding it over to the sink so he could wash away the blood. “Does it hurt?”

“Nah,” Kihyun says casually, but his face is a little pinched. “It’s just a scratch.”

Hoseok narrows his eyes in suspicion, and Kihyun rolls his in return, letting out a dramatic sigh before admitting that yes, it kind of _does_ hurt.

“It’s deep, but there’s no need for stitches,” Hoseok says after putting on a band-aid around Kihyun’s finger. “It’s gonna sting a bit, but you’ll live.”

“Hoseok,” Kihyun gives him a _look_ , one that makes Hoseok laugh, and says, “I’ve been shot and stabbed quite a lot. This is like, a paper cut for me. It’s nothing.”

“Oh? Is that right?” Hoseok asks, trying his best to contain his laughter.

“I’ll be alright,” Kihyun says as he turns the stove off. He leans against the counter and pulls Hoseok in until they are chest-to-chest, mouth-to-mouth, says, “All thanks to you, of course,” and kisses Hoseok nice and slow, the kind of kiss that always makes Hoseok melt.

 

 

-

 

 

(Another thing that Hoseok is used to by now, is waking up in the morning only to realize that Kihyun is nowhere to be found, having disappeared without a trace in the middle of the night like he always does. And that’s the thing about Kihyun; if you’re not careful enough, if you close your eyes or look away for a second, he is already gone, just like that.

And truthfully speaking, Hoseok is used to it, knows that it’s for the best, but it still doesn’t stop the disappointment from wedging itself in the pit of his stomach and the back of his throat, lingering there for days afterwards.)  

 

 

  

**Osaka, January 2017.**

 

 

Hoseok comes back from a five-day mission in Australia only to find Kihyun curled up and bleeding all over his doormat.

This is the first time Hoseok has seen or heard from Kihyun, since the last time Kihyun showed up at his door unannounced and crawled into his bed for the night, using Hoseok’s place as a pitstop in between missions.

And at first, Hoseok thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him, seeing how Kihyun has been missing for over two months. He mysteriously disappeared during a mission in Mongolia and no one back at HQ has been able to track him since. Hoseok has spent his time between missions traveling back and forth, going to Kihyun's last known location and talking to some of his known associates in the area, hoping that he would find any trace of Kihyun, _any_ indication that he is still alive.

It takes Hoseok a moment to realize that he is not dreaming and that Kihyun is actually _here_ , less than three feet away. Heart pounding in his ears and bags slipping off his shoulders, Hoseok rushes over to him, kneeling down in front of Kihyun so he could examine him closely.

He is conscious, but his face is pale and a little sweaty, his nose slightly bruised. One of the sleeves of his jacket is torn in several places, his pants dirty at the knees, covered in dust just like his boots. He looks awful, like he hasn't slept or eaten in ages, his cheeks sunken in and eyes lined with dark circles.

“What the fuck?” Hoseok asks, taking Kihyun’s face in his hands. "What happened to you? Are you okay?"

"I was captured by the guy I was sent to kill," Kihyun says with a scoff, but he still manages to crack a smile, albeit a crooked one. "Got nearly killed on my way over, but I'm fine."

And that's when Hoseok realizes — he has been staying in Osaka for a little over a month now for an undercover mission, and no one beside a handful of people at the agency know he's here. The shock of realizing that Kihyun had managed to find him so easily must show on his face, because Kihyun laughs, says, "Relax. Changkyun told me where you are."  

"Right," Hoseok nods. He should've known from the beginning. It wouldn’t be the first time Changkyun has broken the rules and gave Hoseok’s location to Kihyun. Come to think of it, he probably helps Kihyun get in and out of Hoseok’s building unnoticed every time he decides to come over, too.  

“Well, I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d drop by,” Kihyun says, chuckling weakly.

He tries to get up, grasping onto the doorframe with his hand as he tries to lift himself up off the ground, only to slump back down immediately. Hoseok's heart shatters when he sees the smeared handprint Kihyun leaves behind, at the pained sound Kihyun makes as his entire face twists in pain. Hoseok gets up so he could grab his bags from the floor, making a mental note to take care of the mess later, after he's taken care of Kihyun and yelled at Changkyun for not letting him know that Kihyun is alive. The last thing Hoseok needs right now, is for his neighbours to start asking questions that could blow his cover and get him in trouble with the agency.

“ _Fuck_ — Kihyun, you look like shit,” Hoseok says, carefully lifting Kihyun’s good arm so he could sling it over his shoulder and help Kihyun get up on his feet, hand trembling as he tries to punch in the code to the apartment.

“You should’ve seen the other guy,” Kihyun says lamely, but he isn’t smiling or laughing this time.

Hoseok kicks the door open with his foot, giving Kihyun a sidelong glance as he begins to carry him inside. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

  

-

 

  

Truthfully, Hoseok has no idea why Kihyun insists on coming to him for help in situations like these when they have an amazing medic team back at HQ. Sure, Hoseok’s had the basic medical training every agent in the agency gets at the beginning, has had no other choice but to dig out a few bullets and shards of glass out of himself on more than one occasion while on a mission far away from home, but this — this is something that should be left for the experts to take care of, not him.

And Hoseok’s had to help Kihyun out so many times that by now it’s like a routine, his hands moving on muscle memory as he helps Kihyun get to the bathroom and takes off his jacket and shirt, as he washes off the dried blood and stitches Kihyun up, gentle and careful so he doesn’t aggravate the injury even further.

The wound is on Kihyun’s left shoulder, big and gnarly and still fresh, undoubtedly from a bullet. There’s no pus, which is a good sign considering Kihyun did a pretty shitty job at closing it up on his own using dental floss and what smells like cheap vodka. But what concerns Hoseok more is how thin he looks now, all bruised skin and sharp bones, scarred more than Hoseok remembers him to be.

Kihyun’s lip curls in amusement when Hoseok hands him a bottle of water and tells him to drink it. “You got something stronger than this?” Kihyun asks, a hint of laughter in his voice that fades away quickly when Hoseok doesn’t humor him with an answer, his face turning impassive, eyes dark.

They don’t talk after that, and other than the muffled pained huffs Kihyun lets out every time the needle pierces through his skin, he is completely quiet. He sits still, biting on his lip hard enough to make it turn white, his hands gripping onto the edge of the bathtub he’s sitting on as Hoseok works.

Hoseok steals glances from time to time, looking at Kihyun from the corner of his eye, opens his mouth to speak a few times but decides against it before the words could come out. He wants to ask Kihyun who did this to him, wants to ask him so much, but Kihyun doesn’t look like he’s ready to talk about it yet and Hoseok doesn’t want to push him.

“This should hold for a while,” Hoseok says once he’s finished putting the bandages on. “But I would go to see someone back at HQ as soon as possible if I were you.”

“Thanks,” Kihyun says quietly.

“The dressing is waterproof, so you can take a shower if you want, but be careful,” Hoseok says. Kihyun gets up and begins to take the rest of his clothes off, and Hoseok busies himself with cleaning up and placing everything back in its rightful place so he would give Kihyun some privacy. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”

“I could eat something, yeah,” Kihyun says. A beat later, and: “Thank you. For everything.”

Hoseok just smiles, closing the door behind him with a soft click as he leaves, letting Kihyun lick his wounds in peace.

 

 

-

 

 

They eat in the small dining room after Kihyun has come out of the bathroom. His hair is still wet and little droplets of water fall onto his shoulders, staining the faded gray color of the old sweatshirt Hoseok had given him a few shades darker. It’s two sizes too big on him, makes Kihyun look like he’s drowning in it, has to bunch up the sleeves up his forearms every so often.

“So, what exactly are you doing here?” Kihyun asks after some time of uncomfortable silence has passed, pausing to take a sip of his water. “Changkyun didn’t tell me anything.”

“I give private piano lessons to an ambassador’s son,” Hoseok says. “The agency thinks he’s working with someone they’ve been after for years, but I haven’t seen anything suspicious so far.”

“You know how to play the piano?” Kihyun asks with a raised brow, humming in thought before speaking again. “I don’t remember seeing that in your file.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Hoseok shrugs, smiling.

They make some more small talk after that, but none of the conversations they have last too long. Kihyun often spaces out, staring at the wall or down at his plate with tired eyes, and it’s unusual, how quiet he is. But he needs more time, to heal and to rest, and Hoseok is willing to give that to him, wait patiently as long as it may take for Kihyun to be able to talk about what happened to him while he was held captive.

It’s only the least he can do.

 

 

-

 

 

“You can sleep in here,” Hoseok says after they’ve finished getting ready to go bed, ushering Kihyun inside the bedroom. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Stay,” Kihyun says before Hoseok could leave. “Please. I don’t want to be alone.”

After a moment of hesitation, Hoseok nods, turning off the lights after Kihyun has climbed onto the bed and settled in before doing the same.

“I know you’re upset I didn’t let you know where I was, but I couldn't risk getting in touch with you,” Kihyun starts after a few more minutes of uncomfortable silence have passed. “But it wasn’t my fault.”

“What happened?” Hoseok asks as he turns around to lie on his side, facing Kihyun. “Where were you?”

“Mongolia. I was supposed to go with Minhyuk, but he got sent to Hungary at the very last minute, so I had to go alone.” Kihyun explains, taking a breath before he continues. Hoseok reaches out, takes Kihyun's hand in his and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "It took me a month to escape, and weeks to track them down, in the middle of Tokyo of all places." Kihyun laces his fingers through Hoseok's, starts to run his thumb over Hoseok's knuckles in little circles, voice wavering when he says: "The asshole who shot me was stupid enough to leave before making sure I was dead. Fucking pathetic.”

“You should go home,” Hoseok says gently, trying his best not to make it sound like Kihyun’s presence here is unwanted, doesn’t want there to be any misunderstandings between them. “The agency needs to know what happened.”

“I can’t go back, not now,” Kihyun says with a shake of his head. “I need time.”

“Kihyun—” Hoseok begins, sighing heavily. “I know you plan on going after them again, but you need to report this back to HQ. You can’t do this on your own.”

“You know what happens to an agent after they’ve been taken, you know what the protocol is,” Kihyun argues, “They are going to strap me down to a hospital bed until my shoulder heals and make me take all those tests to see if I’m fit to go out in the field again, while _they_ clean up after _my_ mess.”

Kihyun is right, about all of it. Hoseok once had the misfortune of experiencing it firsthand, years ago, when he was younger and not as experienced as he is now. The entire process lasts ages, and even after you’ve been cleared to go back in the field, you still need to see a therapist for months afterwards.   

“I _have_ to do this on my own.” Kihyun says quietly, the determination set in his voice. “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here.”

Hoseok sighs, rolling over so he’s on his back again. “Okay,” he says after a moment of silence, despite his better judgement. “But you need to get better first. You can stay here with me, if you want.”

“Are you sure? I can stay somewhere else.” Kihyun says uncertainly.

“I don’t mind having you around,” Hoseok tells him. “Although, I would prefer it if you didn’t bleed all over my apartment for once.”

Kihyun lets out a startled little laugh, obviously not expecting Hoseok to make a joke, and says, “I’ll try and be more careful next time,” shifting around so he could be closer to Hoseok, tangling his leg through Hoseok’s under the covers.  

Now it’s Hoseok’s turn to laugh. “We’ll see about that. Now shut up and go to sleep.”

 

 

-

 

 

Kihyun stays with Hoseok for a few weeks as he heals, and it isn’t until their third day together has passed that Hoseok realizes this is the first time Kihyun has stayed with him for more than twenty-four hours.  

Hoseok goes to his fake work two times a week, and sticks to his normal schedule so he wouldn’t raise any red flags with the agency. The only person he talks to about Kihyun is Changkyun, since he’s the only one besides Hoseok who knows about Kihyun’s whereabouts. And since Kihyun can’t leave the apartment, they spend their time together in front of the TV or playing the board games Hoseok got for them, experimenting in the kitchen with recipes Kihyun saw online. They have sex all over the place, slow and careful so Kihyun’s stitches wouldn’t tear open. 

It feels surprisingly normal and domestic, and Hoseok can’t help but wonder if this is what his life could’ve been like if he never joined the agency. If he had an ordinary job and moved in together with his partner, led a simple life where being paid to kill people is something that only exists in books and action movies. 

But they are far from being normal, won’t get the chance to be for a very long time, and the reality sinks in every time he looks at Kihyun and sees the anger in his eyes, determined to get his revenge even if it kills him. 

 

 

-

 

 

It takes Kihyun days, but he slowly begins to talk to Hoseok about the events of the past few months, sharing bits and pieces at a time, letting Hoseok’s imagination take care of the rest and put everything together. 

He was outnumbered, got knocked out and taken to a basement in an abandoned factory. He was handcuffed to a chair and starved for days, beaten repeatedly so he would give them the name of his employer.  

But Kihyun never cracked. They’ve been trained to resist all of it, to fight whatever hits them and never betray their agency, no matter how much damage they do to them. Dying for your agency, for your country would be an honor, after all. 

“I kept passing out,” Kihyun says. “That was the only time they would give me something to eat and drink, so they could keep me awake. Sometimes, they wouldn't come to check on me for days.” 

They held his head under water, took out two of his molars. Kept punching him in the face until his nose broke and he started to choke on his own blood, in the stomach and the ribs, used their knives all over his arms.  

“They were amateurs, though,” Kihyun chuckles, but the sound of it is hollow, broken. “Others would’ve cut off my fingers, or poisoned me until I cracked. I guess I was lucky.” 

Two days later, he tells Hoseok how he managed to escape. “They were moving me to a different location,” Kihyun says, pausing to finish the rest of his drink before he could continue. He pours himself another one, the bottle of bourbon nearly empty now. “I pretended to be unconscious and stole a knife from the guy who was carrying me to the van without him noticing.” 

Hoseok listens patiently and doesn’t ask any questions. He crawls over the couch so he could sit right next to Kihyun, places his hand on Kihyun’s thigh. “You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to.” 

Kihyun shakes his head. “There were three of them in the van with me, and two more driving in front of us in a car. Getting rid of them was easy. The guy who broke my nose told me about their leader so I would spare his life.” He sighs, leaning back around the couch, his head propped on Hoseok’s arm. “It took me a while, but I managed to find him. Too bad I didn’t get the chance to shoot first.” 

Hoseok sets his glass down on the coffee table and pulls Kihyun closer, wraps his arms around Kihyun and doesn’t stop holding him even after they’ve fallen asleep.

 

 

-

 

  

(“Did you ever get over it?” Kihyun asks him one night before falling asleep. 

Hoseok knows what Kihyun is referring to. He’s read Hoseok’s file — he admitted that on his first day here.

“No,” Hoseok admits. 

He wishes he could give Kihyun an answer that’s more positive and offer him some kind of consolation, but he can’t. It took him a year to stop having nightmares about it, even though, in comparison to what Kihyun went through, Hoseok’s case wasn’t as bad as Kihyun’s, didn’t last that long, either. 

But it takes its toll on you, regardless of the situation or its duration. It’s in every fibre of your being, sinks into you bone deep. It’s always present at the back of your brain, no matter how much of it you’ve managed to block out. 

“It takes time, but eventually you learn how to live with it.”) 

 

 

-

 

 

“Run away with me,” Kihyun says suddenly, startling Hoseok awake. 

They’ve been laying in bed for the past couple of hours, but Hoseok is yet to stop drifting in and out of consciousness to fall asleep solidly. 

He blinks his eyes open, looking at Kihyun in confusion. “Run away? Where?” 

“I don’t know,” Kihyun shrugs, grunting as he moves around the bed so he could climb on top of Hoseok, settling between Hoseok’s spread legs and propping his chin on Hoseok’s chest, right over his sternum. “Someplace warm. By the beach, maybe.” 

Hoseok doesn’t know what to say to that. He cards his fingers through Kihyun’s messy bed hair and says: “You’re too dangerous for me.” 

“Why do I feel like I should be offended?” Kihyun asks, but the sound of Hoseok’s laughter cuts him off before he could ask Hoseok to elaborate, looking awfully puzzled.

“That’s _not_ what I meant,” Hoseok says quickly. “It’s— We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s too dangerous. For both of us.” 

“So?” Kihyun snorts. He licks at his lips uncertainly, looking off to the side instead of meeting Hoseok's eyes. “That’s never stopped you before.” 

“But where would we go?” Hoseok asks, switching back to the original subject, absentmindedly twirling a strand of Kihyun’s hair around his finger. “Can we even pull off something like that?” 

Leaving the agency doesn’t really work like it does with other, normal nine-to-five jobs where you can give in your two weeks notice and move on to the next big thing. They can’t just pack up their guns and go down to HQ and quit. Cutting all ties with the agency is tricky, and you either leave in an body bag or once you’ve hit your expiration date, which, in their cases, isn’t due for another decade, or so. 

“I’m not talking about faking our deaths and starting all over again,” Kihyun says, starting to sound a little annoyed now. 

“So? What exactly are you proposing?” Hoseok asks. 

“I meant… taking a few days off and going somewhere together. Like, a vacation, or something,” Kihyun says, his cheeks turning a few shades darker. 

Oh. Hoseok didn’t even think of that. 

“I’m sure you can disappear for a few days,” Kihyun continues, tracing over the moles on Hoseok’s clavicle with the tip of his finger, connecting them to the scar on Hoseok’s neck. “And I bet Changkyun would cover for us so we wouldn’t be found or interrupted by anyone. What do you say?” 

And vacations — that’s another thing that’s not really a part of the job. They get some time off between missions, sure, but that usually depends on how long they will need to recover from a mission before moving onto the next one. 

But with Changkyun’s help and a lot of careful planning, Hoseok thinks they should be able to get away with it. 

“I would like that,” Hoseok says before Kihyun could interpret the long silence as something else and tell Hoseok to forget about it. 

“Really?” Kihyun asks uncertainly, eyes wide. He looks incredibly fragile and vulnerable like this, which is funny, considering he can kill a person with his bare hands in a matter of seconds. 

Hoseok smiles, heart aching. “I really would.”

 

 

-

 

 

The following morning, Hoseok wakes up to an empty bed. 

The sheets are rumpled, tossed off to the side and cold to the touch. The citrusy smell of the shampoo Hoseok got for him and the folded note on the pillow are the only indicators that Kihyun was really here, after all.

( _I’m sorry, but I have to do this on my own,_ reads the notewritten in Kihyun’s neat handwriting _. Thank you for everything._ )

 

 

 

**Chicago - Seoul, May 2017.**

 

 

Hoseok never took Kihyun seriously when he proposed they’d go on a vacation together, mainly because Kihyun has a _very_ long history of making promises he hasn’t been able to keep.  

 _(We’ll go for breakfast in the morning_ , or, _I’ll show you this place in town that I like_ ; _I promise, I promise, I promise_.) 

Kihyun is always gone by the time Hoseok wakes up, and that part in him — the agent, the one that’s been taught all those years ago to be careful and observant and always sleep with one eye open feels very ashamed every time he wakes up in the morning and realizes that Kihyun is nowhere to be seen. 

(Kihyun used to joke about it; a few times at the beginning, post-mission and post-sex somewhere in Thailand, and Japan, twice in France. “I guess I’m just a better agent than you,” Kihyun had grinned, so full of himself.) 

He is always on the move, always running out the door before Hoseok could even get the chance to ask him if he would like to stay for the night, go out with him on a proper date for a change. 

But now, as they are making their way towards an abandoned warehouse for another joint mission — Kihyun’s first after going back to active duty — Hoseok nearly trips over his own feet in surprise when Kihyun casually mentions about his plans for their vacation.

"I was thinking we could go around August?" Kihyun says, "The weather should be perfect for a vacation, don't you think?" 

Hoseok straightens up, tightens his grip around the gun. “You weren’t kidding about that, were you?” 

“Why would I be kidding?” Kihyun asks, and for a moment there Hoseok swears Kihyun looks hurt, _offended_ that Hoseok didn’t take him seriously. 

“Well, uhm—” he begins to explain himself, careful not to upset Kihyun minutes before a mission, but the earpieces crackle to life and the sound of Changkyun’s voice flows through, successfully interrupting their conversation. 

“Are you guys there yet?” Changkyun practically screams, much louder than necessary. 

“Yes!” Both of them chorus at the same time, exasperated by Changkyun’s incessant questions about their location, even though he probably has a live satellite feed playing on all of his screens at his office. 

“Good,” Changkyun replies. “Now stop flirting on my comms and get to work.”

 

 

-

  

 

(The mission goes better than Hoseok had expected, and by the time they are back home and finished their debriefing, Changkyun is shoving a manila folder in Kihyun’s hands and telling him the chopper is ready and waiting for him up on the roof.  

“See you when I come back?” Kihyun asks hopefully after Changkyun’s ran back to his office, lingering in the hallway even though time is running out. 

“Deal,” Hoseok smiles, and for the first time since the two of them met he feels like Kihyun won’t let him down, not this time. “Be careful.” 

Kihyun just smiles. “Of course.”

 

 

- 

 

 

It shouldn’t be surprising, when three days later Hoseok comes home and finds Kihyun in his kitchen wearing an apron Hoseok doesn’t remember purchasing. 

This is not the first time Hoseok has found himself in this exact same situation, and he highly doubts it will be the last, but the shock of Kihyun coming over like he said he would for the first time, with no blood or any visible injuries on him, stuns Hoseok, stops him dead in his tracks. 

“I hope you’re hungry, because dinner is almost ready,” Kihyun says over his shoulder, too busy stirring something in the _only_ pot Hoseok owns to turn around and greet Hoseok properly. 

Hoseok averts his attention to the dining table in the corner of the kitchen, eyes going wide when he notices the plates filled with more food that Hoseok has ever had in his fridge and the bottle of red wine he definitely didn't buy himself.

“Yeah, I…” Hoseok trails off, still unable to form a coherent sentence. He shakes it off when he realizes he sounds like an idiot, sets his keys down on the kitchen island before walking over to the table. “Did you buy all of this? Did you _make_ all of this?” 

“I went grocery shopping before I came over. I even restocked your fridge,” Kihyun says proudly. “Hey, did you know there’s a nice Thai place two blocks away from your building? We should check it out.” 

Hoseok scratches at the back of his neck sheepishly, shaking his head. He’s never really been around the neighborhood even though he’s lived here — or, well, showered and rested in between missions — for almost two years. He still hasn’t unpacked all of his belongings or hung up the paintings that are stacked in a pile on the floor. 

He occasionally goes out for a run, late at night when the streets are mostly empty, but other than the noodle place he frequently orders from, and going to the convenience store across the street for some snacks and the occasional box of cigarettes he never finishes, he’s never really been anywhere else. It’s a little embarrassing, but he spends more time in hotel rooms and safe houses around the world than he does at home, if he can even call it that, considering the place doesn’t technically belong to him. 

It belongs to the agency, and if something were to happen to him while on the job, all of his possessions will be put in boxes and then auctioned off, put in storage or donated. The place will be emptied out, scrubbed clean by a team of professionals so that there’s not a sign of him ever living there. The walls will be repainted and the furniture will be changed, ready for the next agent that will come along.  

“Well, now I do,” Hoseok chuckles. “And I’m assuming you also bought the apron, as well?” 

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t have one,” Kihyun says with a small shrug. “So I got you one. My gift to you for saving my life.” 

“Oh? And which time are you referring to exactly?” Hoseok raises a brow, leaning against the counter next to the stove, watching Kihyun as he stirs some sort of thick, yellow cream in the pot. It smells good, like oranges and vanilla with a hint of brandy, making Hoseok’s stomach rumble already. "’Cause, I've been saving your ass since the day we met." 

It startles a laugh out of Kihyun and he shakes his head, reaching behind Hoseok's back for the sugar. "The _last_ time," he says, glancing at Hoseok from the corner of his eye. "Thank you."  
  
"Always," Hoseok says, leaning in to give Kihyun’s cheek a quick peck.

 

 

 -

 

 “See?” Kihyun asks as he lifts his hands up and spins around in a circle, showing himself off proudly. “Not a single scratch on me. Just the way you like it.” 

He is naked, save for the black briefs he’s wearing, and Hoseok snorts, crawling to the edge of the bed so he could tug on them and pull Kihyun closer. “Hmm, I think I need to take a closer look.” He runs his hand down Kihyun’s torso and stops before he could reach his crotch, biting on his lip as he settles down on his knees. “Just in case.” 

“Alright,” Kihyun nods, tipping Hoseok’s chin up with his fingers, running his thumb over the swell of Hoseok’s lower lip. “Should I take these off, then?” 

Hoseok nods back, pressing a soft kiss to the pads of Kihyun’s finger. 

“Good.”

 

 

-

  

 

(Kihyun is there when Hoseok wakes up the following morning, his chest pressed to Hoseok’s back and arm slung securely over Hoseok’s middle. 

Hoseok smiles, thinks, maybe there’s hope for them, after all.)

 


End file.
